FADE IN:
EXT. FISHING BOAT
SAM WORTHINGTON, hilariously trying to pass for 23 years old, accompanies his adoptive father PETE POSTLETHWAITE and his family on a fishing trip.
PETE POSTLETHWAITE
I'm not sure why I brought my entire family on this fishing trip, but I'm glad I did! This is great!
SAM WORTHINGTON
I sure hope Voldemort doesn't show up and ruin my life to start me on a 90-minute quest for revenge!
On a cliff above, people knock over a GIANT STATUE, leaving only its FEET, so a monster made of BLACK SMOKE arrives and kills them all.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Huh. That explains the broken statue I guess, but not the whole thing about four toes. And where's Locke? I'm starting to think this show isn't going anywhere.
The BLACK SMOKE thing turns into RALPH FIENNES.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy sh*t, Rob Zombie! Should I cover my ears or my eyes? Are you here to make sh*tty music or direct sh*tty movies?
RALPH FIENNES
Insolent fool! I am the brother of your creator-god, Liam Neeson! I was banished to the underworld but apparently I can leave whenever I want and kill people who f*ck with my brother's statues.
RALPH destroys PETE POSTLETHWAITE'S BOAT, killing SAM'S FAMILY. SAM swims to shore at ARGOS.
Meanwhile, in OLYMPUS...
EXT. OLYMPUS
LIAM NEESON in his SUIT OF TINFOIL is sitting around with other GODS. RALPH FIENNES enters.
LIAM NEESON
I am so furious! These humans keep drawing caricatures of me! If there's one thing religious icons hate, it's depiction!
RALPH FIENNES
Liam, allow me to attack their city. This will make them fear and worship us again! Not even an army of pedophiles will keep them from going to the temples!
LIAM NEESON
Fine, do whatever you want. Christ, how did you and I go from Schindler's List to this piece of sh*t?
INT. ARGOS
SAM is brought before KING VINCENT REGAN and PRINCESS ALEXA DAVALOS.
KING VINCENT REGAN
The time of gods is over! It is now the time of men! Either way, not women, amirite?
RALPH FIENNES shows up again.
RALPH FIENNES
Sorry to break up your atheist convention, folks. Just wanted to let you know that in 10 days, I am going to unleash the Kraken, and not that bullsh*t Pirates of the Caribbean Kraken either. The Kraken's hunger can only be satisfied by the sacrifice of Alexa Davalos! Oh, and like six boxes of throat lozenges. You need to sacrifice those too.
KING VINCENT REGAN
The Kraken is Norse mythology, not Greco-Roman! You gods have gone mad! What's next, Djinn?
RALPH leaves. MADS MIKKELSEN and ALEXA DAVALOS approach SAM.
ALEXA DAVALOS
We should go ahead and sacrifice me. I don't really matter in this version of the movie, I've only got like five lines. I don't think I'm even Sam's love interest anymore. If we kill me now, nobody will have to sit through this crap.
MADS MIKKELSEN
Sam, is it true that you are a demi-god?
SAM WORTHINGTON
Wait, what? Did I miss a scene? When did that get revealed?
GEMMA ARTERTON
It's true, Sam. I am also a demi-god, and I've been watching over you all of your life. Except when your entire family was killed, my bad. Anyway, you're the child of Liam Neeson and a queen. When the king found out, he grew angry with rage and sent you both out to sea in a box, at which point your mother's hair changed color.
SAM WORTHINGTON
I am the bastard child of Liam Neeson? Sweet deal if I ever get kidnapped in Paris, but otherwise this sucks pretty bad.
MADS MIKKELSEN
If you are a demi-god, you can kill the Kraken, which will then let you kill Ralph Fiennes! Of course there will probably be a few other levels before you do that. Maybe about 10-20 hours for the single player campaign.
GEMMA ARTERTON
Sounds good. Do we want to all settle on what type of accent we're going to be doing before we go? No? Just keep speaking English in a random assortment of accents?
SAM WORTHINGTON
Hey look, here's a mechanical owl because fans of the original film need us to tickle their balls for some reason!
EXT. WOODS
They travel into the woods along with VARIOUS BEARDED TOUGH GUYS. The woods quickly turn into a DESERT full of GIGANTIC CGI SCORPIONS.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy crap, these actually look WORSE than the sh*tty stop-motion models. Did Director Louis Leterrior watch the original and think "I bet I could make this piece of crap even worse"?
They FIGHT the SCORPIONS, and eventually some DJINN show up to help.
DJINN
Utinni!
MADS MIKKELSEN
I guess you can come along. We've lost a lot of time, we should ride the scorpions even though they move slower than we do. Sam, you should take this random sword I found, I think it's a gift from Liam Neeson.
SAM WORTHINGTON
The same Liam Neeson that commanded your city be destroyed? Are all humans this dumb, or just you? Anyway, I don't want it, I want to succeed as a man, not a god.
MADS MIKKELSEN
Oh. Well, Liam Neeson left you this shiny gold coin.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Ohhh, shiny! That I'll take. Totally different. We can use it to cross the river Styx so we can kill Medusa and use her head against the Kraken.
MADS MIKKELSEN
You know, you can just warp straight to her by entering "8uuuuu uuuuuu uuuuuu uuuuuu" at the password screen?
GEMMA ARTERTON
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the f*ck on. Medusa was a woman who turned down the sexual advances of a god, who then raped her, which caused another god to put a curse on her that turns anyone to stone when they look at her. Now we're going to track down this poor woman who did nothing wrong and just wants to be left alone, then cut off her f*cking head to use it as a weapon? There were like fifty writers on this screenplay and nobody realized the main characters are total wangholes?
SAM WORTHINGTON
Boooooo-ring! Is it time for an action scene yet? Like maybe I could ride a three-headed lobster or something.
SAM and his POSSE confront MEDUSA. EVERYONE gets turned to STONE except the DJINN, who uses himself as a bomb to cripple MEDUSA long enough for SAM to cut her head off.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Let's all try to ignore the fact that the only character in this movie inspired by Arabian rather than Greco-Roman mythology just became the film's only suicide bomber.
GEMMA ARTERTON is killed by TWO-FACE IN A SKIRT, who SAM kills. SAM rides a PEGASUS back to ARGOS to kill the KRAKEN. It's all very PERCY JACKSON but SUPER-DUPER-SERIOUS.
EXT. ARGOS
A HARPY steals the MEDUSA HEAD from SAM and flies all around.
SAM WORTHINGTON
I really hope I can get that back before the harpy realizes that he can pretty much end the movie by tossing that thing in the sea or the Kraken's mouth...
He DOES. He uses the HEAD to freeze the KRAKEN.
RALPH FIENNES
Damn! And to think, my entire plan would have worked flawlessly if I simply hadn't needlessly murdered your family as they were randomly passing by!
(stabbed, leaves)
LIAM NEESON comes down to talk to SAM.
LIAM NEESON
You've done a great job defeating the monster that I allowed out to destroy you. I'm proud of you, son.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Are we just going to forget you raped my mother? We're cool now, is that it?
LIAM NEESON
As a gift, I've brought Gemma Arterton back to life.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Why not just bring back my f*cking family, you complete asshole?
LIAM NEESON
You're welcome, son.
(leaves)
KING VENCENT REGAN
We did it, Sam! My soldiers were easily dispatched by a variety of monsters, but we were able to overcome them with the help of two demi-gods and a magical sword handed down by our creator! Damn the gods, who needs 'em!
SAM WORTHINGTON
Humans are kind of schmucks, huh? You sure you guys are ready to abandon religion?
END
